I suppose there’s something novel in having name actors (Oscar winners, no less) play multiple parts in a $100 million cinematic spectacle. But what does it say of a movie that still bears explaining, despite lasting an eternity (almost three hours?) Stranger yet, how does Cloud Atlas merit a 10 minute standing ovation at last month’s Toronto International Film Festival? Hint, hint: Stars Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Susan Sarandon and even the elusive Wachowski siblings were in attendance.

Make no mistake: Cloud Atlas is big, bold and provocative... bordering on epic. The film spans more than half a millennium, darting back and forth between (I’m assuming) parallel stories. It has moments of brilliance and comedy (Hanks as “Knuckle Sandwich” author Dermot Hoggins leaps to mind) mixed in with long stretches of boredom (made more remarkable, given the great frequency at which the Wachowskis and third director Tom Tykwer switch gears/storylines.) In between, there are literally dozens of examples of grandiose cinematography (Frank Griebe, John Toll) and laughably bad make-up, prosthetics and wigs.

The most expensive independent film ever... Cloud Atlas took years to develop, and it shows. There’s an excess of everything, starting with the obvious... the movie’s runtime. Just knowing a film is going to last so long (it’s all our press row could talk about) is overwhelming in a negative way. I fell prey by doing what I do worst... falling asleep after half an hour. Rousing 10-15 minutes later, I felt refreshed but predictably more confused than I was before nodding off (I wonder if that’s why I had such a hard time figuring this film out?)

I won’t waste time delving into the various episodes of Cloud Atlas: It’s a review, not a book. Some are great: The aforementioned Knuckle Sandwich ‘I want people to buy me book now’ that results in the priceless headline, Writer 1 Critic 0. Some good: Jim Broadbent as a trapped nursing home resident, who participates in an elaborate escape attempt (you’ll love Hugo Weaving’s Nurse Noakes.) And some downright awful; including a dull, Lord of the Rings-like tale with Hanks and Berry trading some of the worst accents ever recorded on film. ‘You want the true-true?’ It could earn both of them Razzie nominations.

Post-apocalyptic mountain climbing aside, Hanks is solid at every other turn. I was especially excited to see Hanks play naughty, and he doesn’t disappoint. Sadly, my longtime crush (Berry) is utterly forgettable, with the possible exception of her turn as a determined 70’s journalist. Weaving recycles his Agent Smith persona from The Matrix ad nauseam; while Bae Doona (The Host) delights as a fabricant server (‘Honor thy customer’) in 22nd century Korea.

Bottom line: Cloud Atlas takes forever and a day to tell way too many stories. The film’s final hour is admittedly compelling, but hardly worth the time it takes to get to. I’ve heard this and that regarding how avant-garde the film is; I just don’t see it. How can you label multiple references of déjà vu (‘I’ve been here before,’ ‘I heard this before ‘ and ‘meeting again in different lives and different ages’) as innovative? We get it! We’re all one with the universe. Does it take three hours to make that point?